Fly Southwest: BWI to Austin, Texas

Oh, brave adventurer, how tedious it must be to take the scenic route from the crab-infested climes of Baltimore to the Texan cradle of Austin. After all, who has time to revel in the monotony of a common road trip? Huzzah for Southwest's direct flights that cut through the atmospheric tedium, much like a warm knife through the butter that is our great United States.

You might ask, what is the point of Southwest's direct flights? Well, pray tarry a while and listen. Direct flights are emblematic of Southwest's refusal to engage with the plebeian concept of layovers. They might as well court an analogy between airfare and a Shakespearean tragedy with its multitudes of pit stops. But no, Southwest won't allow that sufferance on thy part. They are mindful of thy time, though mind you not thy savings.

Ah, airfare, that necessary evil clinging to the coattails of our wanderlust. While others may promise cheap flights, Southwest's airfare is the stuff of Herculean challenges. Much like climbing Olympus, it shall make you stronger or flat broke. Round-trip tickets are akin to the primordial cycle of life and death, a symphony of expenditure that neither waxeth nor waneth. But not to worry, dear traveler, for the return journey often holds the comfort of your home at its end.

If you’re captivated by the notion of an in-transit slumber party, then a red-eye flight is undoubtedly your jam. Picture the thrill of boarding at the twilight hour, embarking on a somnambulant soiree amidst the highs and lows of Airbus pressure. Southwest's flight schedule can be likened to a nocturnal creature, especially if you're addicted to the sweet seduction of midnight departures.

Considering the vast array of choices in flight duration, Southwest walks an extra mile to keep you in your senses. Does thou prefer the fleeting thrill of one-way sprint towards the sunset or the languid return dance in the form of a round-trip? The choice, mon ami, is indeed yours.

It would not do to leave out the crucial issue of baggage allowance. Southwest, in an unsurpassed act of generosity, permits, nay, embraces travel trunks stuffed to the brink with transatlantic fashion, duty-free delights and, for the brave, the odd BBQ sauce from Austin. Can one ask for greater liberty? Perhaps for an upgrade to first-class, but let's not push our luck now, shall we?

In the throes of our laughs, let us not forget the professional thumb wrestling match that is the Southwest frequent flyer mileage program. It would be an inferior jest to compare this arduous climb to the exhilarating rush of stock trading. However, for those willing to endure the struggle, the rewards are bountiful, extending from an overly enthusiastic attendant waiting to take your coat to a tiny pillow that doth hardly supports thy neck.

Lastly, take heed of the fickle mistress that is Southwest's flight cancellation policy. Capricious as weather and confusing as a Congress debate, it has left stronger men than you scratching their heads. But despair not, for the joy of journeying will surely eclipse such mundane concerns.

So, dear traveler, with your appetite for satire sated and your knowledge of the noble vessel Southwest enriched, I do wish you safe (and entertainingly over-the-top) travels. May the winds of fortune guide you from Baltimore's undefined confines to the vibrant heart of Austin! As Oscar Wilde once probably didn’t say, “You can survive anything these days, except a Southwest flight!”