Fly Southwest: DSM to Oakland, California

Ah, the joys of flying! Said no one, ever. But fear not, weary traveler, for our trusty airline, Southwest, is here to aid you from that undoubtedly specific "undefined" town in Des Moines, all the way to splendid Oakland. So, grab your bag, your wit, and all the audacity that you can muster and brace yourself for this delightfully satirical journey.

Now, let's kick things off with the delightful allure of airfare. It's as though they pluck assorted four-digit numbers from thin air. After all, we're only paying to violate the basic laws of gravity and cross several time zones within hours. It’s quite generous if you ask me. But hey, don't worry. Southwest tends to offer a charming assortment of flight deals, so you can keep your firstborn child, for now.

As we chauffeur you through the wholesome process of booking, we present to you - drumroll, please - direct flights. Because nothing says "unbearable, claustrophobic journey in a metal tube" like non-stop flights from Des Moines to Oakland. "Layover? Yes, please!" said no sane person ever. So, get ready to settle in your economy class seat and enjoy the vivid artistic displays that beautifully imitate a Dali masterpiece, also known as in-flight microwaved meals.

Round-trip or one-way, the challenge of space-time travel remains. Want to travel light? Oh, the naïveté. Understand this: Southwest's baggage allowance did not read the memo on minimalistic living. Instead, they’ve apparently been taking cues from capitalism and hoarding tendencies. The good news is that your pet rock, kitchen sink, and an assortment of other novelties can potentially secure their own paid seating arrangement. So, pack your unnecessary emotional baggage, because Southwest allows it. Well, metaphorically at least.

Perhaps one of the most thrilling aspects of flying is the unequivocal joy of connecting flights. Connecting Flights are the real-world embodiment of the universally revered game of Russian roulette. Whether your connecting flight will deign to wait for you is a fingernails-gnawing mystery that Jim Morrison himself would pen down as the ultimate “Riders on the Storm”. But don’t worry, the thrill doesn’t end there. The slightly masochistic among us can opt for a red-eye flight, allowing us to single-handedly wage an epic battle against biological clocks and the concept of sleep.

Now, onto frequent flyer programs. In essence, they’re Santa Claus resurrected for adults. They're like the ever-watchful nanny state tracking your every move, except instead of privacy, you trade flights for negligible discounts on yet more flights. All so you can circumambulate the globe until you forget if your bed faced north or was it west?

Flight cancellation policies stand as a symbol for the airline's grand sense of humor. Be sure to enshrine their terms in your memory because deciphering them is like figuring out an episode of Twin Peaks – a lot of mystery and sudden surprises.

Finally, remember that Southwest, or any airline for that matter, operates on time-dilation technology called 'Flight schedule', which solely exists to make sure you live on the cusp of your apparent impending doom, also known as missing your flight. Because conventional time is too mainstream.

So, take a deep breath, fellow voyager, because this is the state of 21st-century aviation in all its unfiltered enchantment. Now sit back, relax, and digest your in-flight 'gourmet' meal as we circle the airport for an extra hour. Happy flying!