Fly Southwest: HNL to Bismarck, North Dakota

Now, how am I going to coax you into flying Southwest from Honolulu to Bismarck? Yes, you read correctly, Bismarck. City of-the seldom seen, far-flung dream: North Dakota. Possessing as much tropical allure as an igloo, it's the perfect anti-destination.

First off, cheap flights are the bedrock of Southwest's reputation. How could making an insipid cup of glorified dishwater incredibly expensive and calling it a "gourmet latte" ever compete with that? Airfare affordability, it seems, has become the main attraction in our paradoxical world just like a certain Kardashian’s posterior.

Let’s talk "Direct flights," a phrase as elusive as a successful blind date. We are in the business of aviation, after all, not miracles. Direct flight from Honolulu to Bismarck? Ah, the audacity. The concept of direct flights is wonderful until you end up having a delightful layover in some bustling hub like Spokane or Sacramento. That's where the real fun begins.

Then, of course, there's the ‘One-Way’ or 'Round-Trip' conundrum. How ingenious of the airlines to put a spin on what basically means if you fancy returning. If it's a one-way ticket, then my friend, Bismarck has played a beguiling trick on you, indeed. If round-trip, then maybe the allure of sandy beaches and Mai Tais was just too strong to resist. Either way, consider it an enlightening spiritual journey, rather than a flight scheduling goof-up.

Speaking of enlightenment, let’s not turn a blind eye to the thrilling experience of a 'Red-eye flight'. Now, don't those sound exhilarating? Who isn't enticed by cumulative jet lag, in-flight meal that can substitute for weight loss supplements, and seat comfort rivalling a medieval torture device?

But fear not! Southwest's Frequent Flyer program – a marketing spectacle akin to telling a joke at a funeral – promises less discomfort the more you submit yourself to the experience. You'll rack up "points" faster than the airline can create new routes that no one in their right mind ever asked for! Now that is something to aspire to.

Say, aren't you miffed at the hassle of baggage? Well, 'Baggage Allowance' is another phrase Southwest has thrown into the mix. Apparently, the more suitcases you lug around, the better globetrotter you are. Such signs point toward a great airline revolution, akin to deciding we have been using forks incorrectly all these years.

Lastly, the 'Flight cancellation policy.' Now there's a bogus term if I've ever heard one. Cancellations, in airline parlance, are mere “delays”, adding to the thrill of reaching your destination at the exact time you were supposed to be back home. Why not embrace this serendipity?

So, there you have it. A satirical, roundabout endorsement of your upcoming travel saga with Southwest. If you have the stomach for adventure or are a masochist for irresistible airfare deals, then indeed, my friend, this is your calling. Honolulu to Bismarck - not just a flight, but a story to tell your therapist.