Fly Southwest: PWM to Grand Junction, Colorado

If you plan on traveling from the "mysterious" undefined region of Portland to Grand Junction, brace yourself for an epic journey on the wings of the one-and-only Southwest Airlines. Sat in the comfort of their seats, travelers are provided with a "5-star culinary experience", which mainly involves being served pretzels sized for a flea and a beverage in a cup not big enough to quench the thirst of a baby hummingbird. Hilarious, isn't it?

Those looking for cheap flights will truly find Southwest as the "Cornucopia of Airfare". And yes, when we say cheap, we don't mean budget-friendly or reasonably priced. We mean "skip-a-month’s-rent-and-maybe-sell-a-kidney" cheap flights, providing you with a once-in-a-lifetime experience of beating a mathematical genius trying to figure out the algorithm behind Southwest's fare calculation.

Now, let's talk about direct flights. If you have a love for transience and the extraordinary ability to warp temporal perceptions, Southwest's so-called "Non-stop" flights are for you. They are Rapid Rewards to your mileage program, adding to your rich collection of unforgettable experiences periodically halting mid-air, or making unexpected detours. Brace yourself for a medley of "Oh, a scenic detour through Spokane!" or, "Guess we're lunching in Phoenix today!"

Frequent flyers, the beloved children of Southwest Airlines, are given the prime, luxurious privilege of "priority boarding". Watch in awe as your fellow travelers walk past you, bragging about being A-list Preferred members while you, mere mortal in Group B or (god forbid) C, languish in the terminal, your economy class ticket a sharp reminder of your plebeian status. It’s a feudal system, Southwest-style.

You might consider flying one-way, saving a pretty nickel. However, the return journey insists on crashing your budget party. Like a child begging for a toy, round-trip tickets prod your wallet with a solitary finger, wailing "But I'll save you money in the long run, promise!"

Part of Southwest's in-flight services charm is their baggage allowance policy. As opposed to the rumors circulating, they are not, in fact, managed by dark sorcerers. How much can you bring? Two bags, which seems to accurately represent the Eastern philosophy of duality - Yin and Yang, Night and Day, Bag One and Bag Two. Every bag after that is subject to excessive fees or might be shipped off separately on a mysterious, elf-led journey to enjoy its own adventure.

Remember, overthinking about the best time to book a flight never helps! Whether you book it last-minute or plan it meticulously for months, Southwest airlines haphazardly throws discounts like confetti. So, just keep in mind these words of wisdom, "Fortune favors the brave... and those willing to refresh the webpage at 3 a.m."

Finally, when it comes to ironing out your schedule, the flight schedule from Southwest is more a thing of "guidance" than anything else! As soon as you make your bookings, wind up your clocks and stave off any commitments for two days each side of your planned travel date!

Remarkably, a journey with Southwest does more than ferrying you from one place to another. It is a journey towards acceptance, patience, resilience, and sometimes, even results in newfound humor. Get the drift?

All aboard, everyone! Get your ticket to this sublime performance in the air and mentally prepare yourself for an unforgettable trip that blends The Great Gatsby's decadence and Waiting for Godot's absurdism. A journey with Southwest is a performance you'd hate to miss!